Roasts are awesome. They’re one of my favorite things to watch, I love seeing the demise of someone who isn’t myself. When I watch a quality roasted I forget about all of my own flaws and focus on theirs. “At least I’m not THAT bad” is what I normally think when I watch a roast. What you’re about to read is a battle of two of the greatest roasts in all of entertainment history.
The Characters
Michael Scott: Regional Manager of the Scranton branch of the paper distribution company Dunder Mifflin Inc. Scott is a very childish character who will do whatever it takes to ensure the happiness of his employees and himself. He also is an idiot who will often disregard the happiness of his employees so that he can make himself happy using offensive jokes.
Sheldon Plankton: Owner and founder of the Chum Bucket in Bikini Bottom. Plankton’s life long goal has been to steal the Krabby Patty secret formula from Mr. Eugene Krabs. His failed attempts range from Plan A all the way to Plan Z. Because of his repetitive failures, Plankton is fueled on anger and rage.
The Setting
The employees at Dunder Mifflin seem to be more stressed out than usual. Michael Scott, being an emotional man himself, thinks its because his workers don’t express their emotions well enough. He decides to hold a roast of himself (because thats perfect for a man with his personality, right?) The roast starts and Michael is doing great, he has good temper and seems to be having a good time. However some employees start saying genuinely mean things about him (not in a Comedy Central roast fashion) so Michael gets very emotional and storms out when its finally his turn to roast. The next day he stays home from work and spends most of the day in the park, feeding pigeons. Eventually he makes his first appearance at the office.
Spongebob and Patrick are enjoying one of their favorite pastimes, jellyfishing. They stumble upon an old submarine and decide to drive it straight into the Krusty Krab. Mr. Krabs decides to use the submarine as a way of selling his Krabby Patties to they passerby. Plankton is pissed. He had this idea years ago. The fist on the Chum Bucket is a full mobile version of the Chum Bucket itself! Why wouldn’t use this when his #1 competitor was right across the street? That’s business basics right there. Anyway, on the search for customers he comes across a young boy.
We’re going to be breaking down these two roasts into separate categories so that we can accurately compare these very different roasts and find our winner. These are going to be the most important categories which is fit to go with the most important showdown that human history has ever seen. Remember Trump vs. Hillary? Remember OJ vs. the cops? Remember the Titanic vs. the iceberg? Forget them all right now because this is far more important.
Category One
Who had the Best Reason
Michael Scott held a roast as a little morale boost for his employees, it was one of the most selfless acts he has ever done in the show if you ask me. Michael’s employees ended up taking this too far though and started personally attacking this helpless man. The warehouse workers said a majority of the mean and hateful things, probably because they’re mean and hateful people. Go to hell Roy, you can’t keep Jim and Pam apart! Even Dwight, Michaels right hand man, goes too far saying “you pathetic, short, little man. You don’t have any friends or any family or any land!” Dwight walks off stage immediately leaving Michael to tend his emotional scars at his lonesome. Dwight definitely made his point clear by doing this.
Plankton was driving through Bikini Bottom when he comes across a child. He asks the jerk if he wanted to try a Chum Burger. This kid is obviously an idiot because if someone offered me a chum burger the first thing I’d ask would not be “does it come in raspberry?” Of course it doesn’t come in raspberry, there’s only two restaurants in Bikini Bottom how do you not know? He doesn’t stop there, he then asks if it comes in blueberry. Plankton’s blood is boiling with anger as he tells him it doesn’t come in blueberry. This next moment is what puts Plankton over the edge, this moron asks plankton if it comes in raspberry AGAIN. He couldn’t believe it, his only option was to go on a full roasting spree.
I work in customer service myself, so I can understand the anger that Plankton was faced with. Some things should just be known, everyone knows what a number one is at McDonalds, everyone knows that a five dollar footlong isn’t actually five dollars. So when someone asks you a dumb question, you answer kindly, and they’ll probably ask another dumb question. Its infuriating and this is the endless cycle of customer service. This, however, doesn’t give Plankton a good enough reason to roast an entire family. Customer service 101, the money is always right. When the customer is wrong, you have to be kind and respectful, no matter what (because you want their money). Maybe if Plankton actually got a customer in his store, he would know this.
Winner: Michael Scott, nothing is worse than being betrayed by the ones you love. Especially when you go out on a limb for them.
Score: 1-0, Michael
Category Two
Who had the Best Delivery
Michael Scott casually strolls into the office after being out all day. He gave no notice of missing work, leaving the employees to worry about him all day after he stormed out. Michael delivers this roast wearing a turtleneck, sports jacket, jeans, and loafers. I love this, I love everything about the outfit. This is classic Michael Scott, I want to imagine this is how he’s dressed every time he’s alone in his house. Michael loses points though on the most important part, the guy comes in with notecards that have all his roasts! I lost an unbelievable amount of respect for Michael Scott after this but only for my respect to be regained when he ended each roast with “Boom, roasted.”
Plankton gets the win in best delivery and heres why:
- Plankton knew none of these people before he roasted them.
- He did not have an entire day at the park thinking of ways he could roast these people.
- Plankton did not know, nor did he care, how hostile the family would have been towards himself. They could’ve destroyed his Chum Fist but it was all worth the risk.
- Contrary to Scott in his turtleneck (which I still love), Plankton was completely nude. Although his lower torso was hidden by the Fist, presenting a roast of this caliber while being naked is impossible to most.
Score: 1-1, Draw
Category Three
Who was More Accurate
The best way to determine accuracy would be a fact check on each roast, starting with Michael.
Michael to Jim: Jim you’re 6’11” and you weigh ninety pounds, Gumby has a better body than you. Boom, roasted.
Facts: Jim Halpert (portrayed by John Krasinski) is 6’3″ and weighs 190 pounds. Gumby does not have a better body than Jim. Have you seen him on the cover of Men’s Health?
Michael to Dwight: Dwight, you’re a kiss-ass. Boom, roasted.
Facts: Dwight is definitely a kiss-ass
Michael to Pam: Pam, you failed art school. Boom, roasted.
Facts: Pam did not fail art school, she failed a class. This is only half accurate.
Michael to Meredith: Meredith, you’ve slept with so many guys you’re starting to look like one. Boom, roasted.
Facts: Meredith is known to sleep around in and out of the office. In many cases on the show, she does look like a man.
Michael to Kevin: Kevin, I can’t decide between a fat joke and a dumb joke. Boom, roasted.
Facts: Kevin is easily the dumbest in the office, he is also one of the fatter people in the office. Michael has been pretty on point so far.
Michael to Creed: Creed, your teeth called, they said your breath stinks. Boom, roasted.
Facts: To my knowledge, it was never mentioned on the show that Creed’s breath smells, we do know that Creed eats Mung Beans, which do smell bad in themselves. This must be a fact.
Michael to Angela: Angela, where’s Angela? Oh there you are I couldn’t see you behind that grain of rice. Boom, roasted.
Facts: There was no grain of rice but there was a beam that was obstructing Michael’s view, his point was made and I loved it.
Michael to Stanley: Stanley, you crush your wife during sex and your heart sucks. Boom, roasted.
Facts: Stanley is a bigger man, there is definitely a possibility that he has crushed his wife during sex at least once. Furthermore, Stanley’s heart does suck. The guy just had a heart attack the episode before. Too soon even for Michael? Maybe. Still accurate.
Michael to Oscar: Oscar, you’re gay. Boom, roasted.
Facts: Oscar is a homosexual.
Michael to Andy: Andy, Cornell called, they think you suck… and you’re gayer than Oscar. Boom, roasted.
Facts: Cornell never called, but jokes have been made about about Andy being gay. This is half accurate.
Now it’s time to fact check Plankton’s roast session.
Mother to Plankton: Hey, you can’t talk to my son that way! Who do you think you are?
Plankton: I’m Plankton, you old hag, and your son smells like boogers!
Facts: His name is Plankton. The mother is generally considered to be old, as she is a mother. For sure a kid that asks ridiculous questions all day does smell like boogers.
Husband to Plankton: Hey, you can’t talk to my wife that way! What do you think this is?
Plankton: I think its time for you to lose some weight, fatty, that’s what it is!
Facts: The husband is not fat, he’s actually built pretty well. I can’t find this roast to be accurate.
Grandma to Plankton: Hey, you can’t talk to my grandson like that! Someone oughta put you in a mental hospital!
Plankton: Someone should put you in a box floating down the river, Grandma!
Facts: After the comment she made to Plankton, she should be put in a box floating down the river; call her Moses. (She even admitted he was right)
In the end:
Michael was 80% accurate with his roasts
Plankton was only 66.67% accurate with his roasts.
Michael wins the accuracy category which makes the score 2-1, Michael
Category Four
Who was the Most Hurtful
Michael Scott said some pretty mean things during his roast. He straight up called Kevin fat and then stupid a second later, he had no time to recover in between. He called Oscar gay and decided to just roll with that. Scott took a more Comedy Central Roast approach at his. He said some really bad things about his employees, but the mood was kept light when Stanley started laughing at his jokes. Although Michael was being an asshole and trying to get back at them, in the end, everyone was happy
Plankton did not leave everyone smiling and satisfied as he walked away from his roastees, he actually left them sad and traumatized. Plankton had no intentions on keeping a good relationship with this family, he had every intention to completely mess them up and destroy their foundation. This guy is running off of hatred and you can tell here.
Look at this power stance, the look in his eye, he going all out on this one. He want’s to get as close to this family as he can. If he wasn’t trapped in the Chum Fist, he would be right in their face. I’m actually surprised that he didn’t run the entire family over in this thing. At the end of it all, this family left the scene with emotional scars that would stay with them forever.
Plankton takes this category to the bank and ties it up at 2-2
Category Five
Who was Funnier
There are two ways you can look at this. You can either view it as who was the funniest for the people in the show, and who was the funniest for the people watching. Plankton easily was the funniest for us that were watching it. Watching him end this entire families careers was the best thing about my childhood. My friend and I used to recite this scene word for word every time we saw each other. I really couldn’t believe that this made it onto Nickelodeon, it was a brutality and everyone loved it.
Michael Scott was funny as a friend. It was relieving for his employees and also himself when they became very receptive towards him. Stanley started laughing when Michael roasted him, which made a chain reaction of laughter in the office. In real life, this would be a very feel good moment, you’re with some of your only friends, you’re all laughing and having a good time together, and by doing such you forgive each other for the mean and hurtful things you both said. It was one of the only times everyone in the office was able to smile, laugh, and have a genuine good time.
What did we all go soft? Of course Plankton won this category, his roast was AWESOME. That family is going to have a lot of therapy sessions after that roast. Someone get some butter cause these idiots just got burnt to a crisp.
The battle ain’t over till the grandma’s floating down the river. Plankton delivered one of the best roasts in all of entertainment history. He wins 3-2.
Highkey Obsessed 
