A Dream of Knowing

Last night I dreamt of what my future might have been, what, by rights, it should have been. It was one of those remarkably vivid dreams. You know the kind that for all the world feels real, right up until the moment it ends.

It was totally lacking that vaguely shiny veneer marking it as fantastic, it truly seemed I was experiencing a moment I once knew my future held. In my dream it was a beautiful day. A day filled with hope, promise, love and almost incomprehensible joy. And then I woke up.

I awoke, still wearing the silly grin from my dream, with only the eerie darkness of the early morning hours to greet me. I’ve always found something creepy in that time just before the sun comes up, something this morning did absolutely nothing to dispel.

Within moments the beauty of my dream shifted to horror, the tendrils of what once seemed obvious, suddenly slipping through my arms. Leaving me with the wanting emptiness of memory.

I lay there as morning broke, reflecting on the irony of just how truly painful this dream became the instant it ended. The shattering unreality of it all almost too much to bear.

It was honestly like being in a movie. Jarring. Shocking. Awful.

For good and for ill, I am a very confident person. I just don’t think something will happen, I know it will. I believe it’s important to be that resolute, to be that sure, that doing so allows me to manifest my destiny.

To be less than certain feels a betrayal of myself, of what I hope to accomplish. It feels like a half measure. It feels like giving up.

Now, to be sure, I stray from that, probably way more than I realize. I slough off, postpone dreams, half ass an application to give myself an excuse for not getting the job.

But I try to live with that confidence and certainty in what I’m doing and what my future holds.

To be proven wrong in something I was perhaps the most confident in. The one thing I least wanted to be wrong about. The most important thing to me… well, that’s been staggering. I’ve been unmoored, filled with doubts. Filled with thoughts.

For all my drifting, I remain sure of at least one thing. Everything will be alright.

I know it will.

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