Who’s More Handsome, Thor or Loki?

What troubles you my sweet?

(turning to face her now)

It is those dastardly Norse Gods I tell you! They have another movie coming out today. That boy Thor calls himself a Thunder God!? Bah, I’ll show him a Thunder God!

Oh, Zeus, calm down my love. Even you must admit, they are handsome fellows. Especially that Loki.

(she smiles contently)

(he’s fully turned, and now stares angrily at his wife)

Loki!?

(he bellows incredulously)

(calmer now)

Surely it is Thor whom is the more dashing of the two!

Why look at his muscles. Now THAT is a god!

(smirking)

Surely dear you realize that it is more than muscles that make a god handsome? Otherwise would not Ares be more handsome than you? And surely you do not find this to be so.

(a look of concerned confusion flashing across his face)

Surely. But it is more than that with Thor-

-Suddenly, the door to the lounge opens and APHRODITE enters

(sweeping a lock of hair out of her face)

I sensed my expertise was needed.

(excited now)

Ah, Aphrodite, surely you can aide me in my case. Please explain to my dear Hera here, what it is that makes Thor so handsome.

(with a dazzling smile)

I assume you mentioned his muscles?

(he nods)

Well, his eyes are as blue as the Seas when Poseidon holds them still, his smile could relaunch the Trojan War, and simply put, he looks as if though we created him ourselves in all our divine wisdom.

ZEUS
(very excited)
There! You see, clearly Thor is more handsome than Loki!

APHRODITE
(somewhat coyly)
Oh.

ZEUS
(nervously)
Out with it.

(Hera has moved to sit on a couch, and now smiles softly)

APHRODITE
(more forcefully now)
Simply, Loki is more handsome than Thor.

ZEUS
But what about everything you said?

APHRODITE
While Thor’s eyes may be as blue as your brother’s domain, Loki’s are as beautiful as the Skies you rule on their clearest day. And Loki is more the creation of our Muse’s than us less artistic god’s.

ZEUS
(somewhat dejected)
I see.
(he pauses)
(shouting)
RICK!

(Rick appears)

RICK
Yes m’lord?

ZEUS
(determinedly)
Summon the nine remaining Olympians to the throne room. It is a matter of the utmost importance.

(Curtain Down)

End of Scene One

Scene Two

The throne room on Mount Olympus

(Curtain Up)

SETTING: The 12 Olympian Gods are seated on their thrones, arranged in a horseshoe pattern in the throne room. Each throne is customized to match the respective god’s domain.

ZEUS
Now that everyone is settled, it is time to sort this matter we have at hand.

POSEIDON
(somewhat sarcastically)
And just what might this incredibly important matter be my King?

ZEUS
(not catching the sarcasm)
Thank you for asking Brother. As I’m sure you all know, those infernal Norse gods have ANOTHER movie coming out this day.

(a general annoyed grumble is heard from the assembled Olympians)

ZEUS
And, while discussing this fact with my wife, I came to learn that she finds Loki to be more handsome than Thor. While I have issue with Thor’s abilities as a thunder god, his handsomeness is-

ARES
(interrupting Zeus)
You did mention his muscles, right?

ZEUS
(annoyed)
OF COURSE! Now, as I was saying, his handsomeness cannot be impeached. What is worse than my wife’s foolishness, is that our very own Aphrodite, the Goddess of beauty no less, shares her ridiculous opinion.

APOLLO
And what would you have us do Father?

ATHENA
(smugly)
Why isn’t it obvious brother? Our Lord Zeus believes that a vote of our council will favor him, and that we will find Thor to be a more handsome god than Loki.

ZEUS
(defensively)
Well he is!

DEMETER
(annoyed)
You seriously summoned us all here for this!? I was overseeing the building of a temple in my honor!

ZEUS
(forcefully)
I AM YOUR KING AND IF I DETERMINE THIS IS MORE IMPORTANT, THAN IT IS MORE IMPORTANT.

(does breathing exercise to calm down)

(calmer now)
So, here’s how it’s going to be. Each of us will cast a vote, and at the end we will know,who is the more handsome god, Thor or Loki.

ATHENA
But-

ZEUS
(angrily)
Enough! The voting will begin now. Cast your vote, and only your vote, starting from the left.

HESTIA
(timidly)
Me?

ZEUS
Yes you, vote!

HESTIA
Loki

APOLLO
Thor

ARTEMIS
I can’t believe we agree on anything, but Thor.

HEPHAESTUS
Thor

APHRODITE
As you all know, Loki.

POSEIDON 
Loki

HERA
(with a knowing smile)
Loki

ZEUS
(visibly nervous)
Thor

DEMETER
Thor

ARES
(shouting)
THOR

ATHENA
(a small, knowing smile touches her face as well)
Loki

HERMES
(pausing, waiting for all heads to be turned towards him)
(slowly)
Loki

ZEUS
(unbelieving)
Surely this cannot be! Surely six on this council are not foolish enough to find Loki a more handsome god than Thor!

(thinking, then reaching an epiphany)
Aha! Rick, summon Hades!

(a dark cloud of smoke fills the room and HADES suddenly appears)

HADES
(exceedingly sarcastic)
You summoned?

ZEUS
(suddenly embarrassed)
Uh, well yes, well um, you see-

ATHENA
If I may, Uncle, my Father, our King, has summoned you here to settle our little debate.

HADES
(confused now)
I see?
(pausing)
And, what exactly is this little matter of debate?

ATHENA
(smugly)
Well, Lord Zeus has deigned it worth our time to determine whether Thor or Loki is the more handsome god.

HADES
(angry now)
THIS, this is the important matter you summoned me for!? This is what you Olympians do all day, while I toil in the Underworld, determining what becomes of the dead?

ZEUS
(embarrassed, but determined)
Brother, another of your sacred duties is to resolve matters when this council’s deliberations have resulted in a tie. We ask you to resolve this matter with no further discussion.

HADES
I see. May I ask, who you voted for, my Lord?

ZEUS
(confidently)
Why Thor of course! He is as muscled as my son Heracles-

(glancing to Hera)
Sorry dear, and as dashing as the clouds I reign over.

HADES
(exchanging a meaningful glance with Poseidon)
Well than, my King. I must say that there is no other choice than Loki.

ZEUS
(outraged)
HOW CAN YOU SAY SUCH A THING?

HADES
His eyes are as wonderful as the sapphire my realm produces, and his smile electric enough that my wife has made me binge The Night Manager with her. I must admit it is quiet good.

ZEUS
(sadly)
Well, then I suppose there is nothing more I can do. Hermes!

HERMES
Yes?

ZEUS
(with a sigh)
Let it be known that it is the official opinion of the Olympian Council that (another sigh) Loki, is a more handsome god than Thor.

(Curtain Down)

End of Scene Two